I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
the best thing i’ve ever made
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The days of good grammer has went
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.