ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you