ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”