me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The second world war should have been called world war returns