ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?