ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Close call…
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared