*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier