Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.