@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she's 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@kumailn: Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
@causticbob: Me: If we weren't related, I'd totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren't related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
@Book_Krazy: Hub: What's this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I'm a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
@RidiculousSheri: In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
@Caissie: Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.