@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she's 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@BackrowSeats: "Just how drunk are you?"
- "French toast"
@david8hughes: [wakes up & turns to wife]
"I had a nightmare. You died."
"Aw. It was just a-"
"Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
@Brianhopecomedy: I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don't have a garden.
@OhReallyRach: Theres no 'u' in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.
@TheAlexNevil: The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.