@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she's 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@DothTheDoth: Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
@JediGigi: [1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I've ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
@thepatrickwalsh: Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."
@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening]
wife: you're drinking a beer this early?
me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday
wife: but we're still at church
@Parentpains: In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.