Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
so much to do
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Not today. 😅
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.