@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she's 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@SoloSalinas: Society: "Just be yourself."
Society: "No not like that."
@P1ssed_K1d: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"
@chrissyteigen: yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
@Rollinintheseat: AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
@ValeeGrrl: If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.