ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I only eat vegetarians.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.