ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I can’t stop laughing at this
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once