Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
What do you hear?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Nice try, NASA
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
hackers play passwordle
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.