Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
is this meant to deter me
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”