Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.