I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]