@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.

@juliussharpe: If Apple has taught me anything, it's wait to see the "Steve Jobs" movie until they release a second version.

@TheAlexNevil: Death: You'll see me eventually. Me: Or *will* I? D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I've got you scheduled. M: Or "do" you? D: Stop that.

@TheMichaelRock: Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?

@ComedicBust: [at a wake] WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably] ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.