@TweetPotato314: [Review] Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns* Me: A car! B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes* M: Well, a card’s still cool. B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan. M: Ok, I’m a medium. B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

@awkwardphilippe: [enter password] ForrestGump [password not strong enough] ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

@SkinnieTalls: Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.

@_youhadonejob1: What happens when you park like a douchbag.

@GoldenSpirals: Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain. Tempted to eat my own leg. Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.