Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.