@fillthevacuum: You're the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

@iwearaonesie: girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at

@pseudo_fred: I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

@BertCarrillo: In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.

@BuckyIsotope: I'll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: "of course you're supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot."