@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that's hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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@punmagnate: I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
@BuckyIsotope: TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find? ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
@pixelatedboat: Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body
@behindyourback: Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
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