Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”