ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Do not levitate over flowers
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Found my door mat
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Just say no
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.