ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.