Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.