Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?