My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you