Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.