Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck