Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
You have been warned.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.