My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.