can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
You Might Also Like
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Meow
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.