Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.