Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam