Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!