I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
craving $300 all of a sudden
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.