me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You Might Also Like
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.