me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You Might Also Like
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
#parenting
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words