Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.