*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Lmaoo 😂
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it