ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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Lmbo
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
love it when they get my name right
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry