ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.