ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
my first day as a raccoon
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Interior design 👌
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming