Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.