Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.