Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
🙄😏😂🤣
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.