ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
girls literally only want one thing..
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*