Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.