In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Anyone really
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
So creative 😂
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened