Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.