Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey