Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now