Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit