One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away