Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
this independent good boy don’t need no human
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
A game married people play.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.