Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.